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I'm Sam. Or Samantha, if you're a fifty-something greying woman sitting behind a receptionist's desk with a ironed collared shirt on.
Why have I made this website? I don't know, to kill time while time kills me? Lol laaaame-o. So deep, so profound.
Who am I? It's a hard question to answer right? Well it especially is for me because for most of my life I didn't quite know who I was myself. I grew up in a strange environment in comparison to most other kids I knew.
My dad was twenty-two when I was born, and I lived witb him, my cousin (who is one day older than him and was born in the same hospital!) and my dad's younger brother. I didn't grow up with a mother. My mum was eighteen when I was born, and she had had a really rough life herself and didn't know how to be a mother. Not that anyone knows how to be a parent, but she especially didn't know how.
Growing up I always felt a lot different than other girls my age. My dad did his best. In my school photos I was always dressed in pretty little dresses, with pretty little sandals and my hair plaited. He didn't really know how to be a dad either, but he tried.
I've always been a bit of a loner, who wanted to be around people. Does that make sense? I always tried to be around people as well, but when I did it, I always had this thought in the back of my head that I'd rather be at home, by myself.
My Dad, cousin and uncle didn't really want a little kid bothering them, so I often had to find my own way to occupy my time. Escaping into make-believe worlds through daydreams, singing, dancing, writing poetry, drawing, writing in diaries and playing on the computer.
The computer was a haven for me to escape to other places. My dad worked with computers so there were always computers around for me to play on. Early memories include me playing Living Books, Putt Putt and Freddie Fish. I remember in the nineties, they got Doom for PC, and I kid you not, all of the neighbourhood kids came around to watch, because people didn't really have personal computers back then (I'm old, okay?) and the graphics were out of this world. 🪐
I started making websites in a programme called 'Cool Page' at eleven and the at thirteen somehow stumbled upon personal blog sites, and naturally had to make one of my own. I learnt how to code by saving other peoples' codes by looking at the source code, and fiddiling around with different bits to see what would happen if I changed them.
Another bonus about these personal sites is that there was often a 'you' section, which often explained different coding mechanics and things so you could learn a lot that way as well. Of course I also used W3 schools and 'Lissa Explains It All', which is still online 'til tis day. Another way I learnt was by creating neopet petpages for my "screenies" (heh, lemme know if you remember this, you nerd).
I had a tough go of it all, I used trauma dump on everyone in the past, but essentioally, all you need to know is that I had a lot of bad experiences as a kid, ended up in foster care, didn't get along with my dad who wasn't the best to me at times, and me being a strong-willed and hard-headed person I am would fight and argue back. I have been homeless, I have suffered from mental health disorders some of them diagnosed right, some of them wrong. Eventually I have been diagnosed correctly and am now on the correct meds (and have been for a few years now, which if you know me is a feat within itself) and also discovered I am likely on the spectrum. I should've known when people had flat out asked me in the past, and also had people not entirely be surprised when I found out and told them lol.
It has made a lot of things make sense and now I can focus on getting better, which I am, a day at a time. Every day is a challenge but I am still here and I am proud of that.
In the past, I have behaved in ways that made other people feel terrible. I can't change it, I wish I could, but all I can do is try and be better, for everyone who knows me, for everyone who I'll meet int the future, and for myself. The way I behaved in the past doesn't define or reflect who I am now, and one of the hardest things about living in my opinion is knowing that a version of you that no longer exists is the version that exists in other peoples' minds, especially if it's a bad version. I did that, though. All I can do is take ownership. It's an explanation and not and excuse. I would reach out and say sorry to all those I've hurt, but I know that is self-serving. Forgiveness is for the person forgiving and not for the person who you wished would forgive you. I am sorry, and am trying my best to do better. That's all anyone can do right? It's better to be bad and learn from your mistakes, than to be sour forever, yeah?
Everyone has a story and is going through something.
Anyway as time goes on I'll update this a bit more. If you read all of this. Thank you for wanting to get to know me better x
About me
Kia ora!I'm Sam. Or Samantha, if you're a fifty-something greying woman sitting behind a receptionist's desk with a ironed collared shirt on.
Why have I made this website? I don't know, to kill time while time kills me? Lol laaaame-o. So deep, so profound.
Who am I? It's a hard question to answer right? Well it especially is for me because for most of my life I didn't quite know who I was myself. I grew up in a strange environment in comparison to most other kids I knew.
My dad was twenty-two when I was born, and I lived witb him, my cousin (who is one day older than him and was born in the same hospital!) and my dad's younger brother. I didn't grow up with a mother. My mum was eighteen when I was born, and she had had a really rough life herself and didn't know how to be a mother. Not that anyone knows how to be a parent, but she especially didn't know how.
Growing up I always felt a lot different than other girls my age. My dad did his best. In my school photos I was always dressed in pretty little dresses, with pretty little sandals and my hair plaited. He didn't really know how to be a dad either, but he tried.
I've always been a bit of a loner, who wanted to be around people. Does that make sense? I always tried to be around people as well, but when I did it, I always had this thought in the back of my head that I'd rather be at home, by myself.
My Dad, cousin and uncle didn't really want a little kid bothering them, so I often had to find my own way to occupy my time. Escaping into make-believe worlds through daydreams, singing, dancing, writing poetry, drawing, writing in diaries and playing on the computer.
The computer was a haven for me to escape to other places. My dad worked with computers so there were always computers around for me to play on. Early memories include me playing Living Books, Putt Putt and Freddie Fish. I remember in the nineties, they got Doom for PC, and I kid you not, all of the neighbourhood kids came around to watch, because people didn't really have personal computers back then (I'm old, okay?) and the graphics were out of this world. 🪐
I started making websites in a programme called 'Cool Page' at eleven and the at thirteen somehow stumbled upon personal blog sites, and naturally had to make one of my own. I learnt how to code by saving other peoples' codes by looking at the source code, and fiddiling around with different bits to see what would happen if I changed them.
Another bonus about these personal sites is that there was often a 'you' section, which often explained different coding mechanics and things so you could learn a lot that way as well. Of course I also used W3 schools and 'Lissa Explains It All', which is still online 'til tis day. Another way I learnt was by creating neopet petpages for my "screenies" (heh, lemme know if you remember this, you nerd).
I had a tough go of it all, I used trauma dump on everyone in the past, but essentioally, all you need to know is that I had a lot of bad experiences as a kid, ended up in foster care, didn't get along with my dad who wasn't the best to me at times, and me being a strong-willed and hard-headed person I am would fight and argue back. I have been homeless, I have suffered from mental health disorders some of them diagnosed right, some of them wrong. Eventually I have been diagnosed correctly and am now on the correct meds (and have been for a few years now, which if you know me is a feat within itself) and also discovered I am likely on the spectrum. I should've known when people had flat out asked me in the past, and also had people not entirely be surprised when I found out and told them lol.
It has made a lot of things make sense and now I can focus on getting better, which I am, a day at a time. Every day is a challenge but I am still here and I am proud of that.
In the past, I have behaved in ways that made other people feel terrible. I can't change it, I wish I could, but all I can do is try and be better, for everyone who knows me, for everyone who I'll meet int the future, and for myself. The way I behaved in the past doesn't define or reflect who I am now, and one of the hardest things about living in my opinion is knowing that a version of you that no longer exists is the version that exists in other peoples' minds, especially if it's a bad version. I did that, though. All I can do is take ownership. It's an explanation and not and excuse. I would reach out and say sorry to all those I've hurt, but I know that is self-serving. Forgiveness is for the person forgiving and not for the person who you wished would forgive you. I am sorry, and am trying my best to do better. That's all anyone can do right? It's better to be bad and learn from your mistakes, than to be sour forever, yeah?
Everyone has a story and is going through something.
Anyway as time goes on I'll update this a bit more. If you read all of this. Thank you for wanting to get to know me better x
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